[lolll sending on Fri night so you hopefully don't waste your time reading this]
process documentation (in real-time): self-loathing/spiraling ➜ epiphany
I kind of think this is insufferable
Look, I don’t even want to be dealing with this, it’s insufferable, so I kind of, like,…—
—I wish I wasn’t the type of person who wants to disclaim all this, justify any of this (basically, to myself), but right now, I am still that type of person. I am! Maybe I won’t be if/when I post this. Maybe I’ll edit all this out.
I need to convince myself this is worthwhile – like, in my soul I know I need this, to indulge these dumb thoughts. But for peace of mind, I need to intellectualize it, too. “Justify.” “Rationalize.”
Help myself believe I’m doing the right thing by indulging in these dumb thoughts.
I know I’m not the only one (you’re never alone) who experiences this type of, “I hate myself for having to indulge thoughts I think are dumb, but I will drive myself crazier if I don’t just let myself think them through,” thing. And, even dumber, I see meaningfulness, if not personally enjoy, learning others’ experiences “spiraling” like this. They normally have a good sense of humor about it. Seeing self-awareness is refreshing, I guess.
And if I’m to intellectualize/justify everything, then, guess what?, this is relevant to my work on process documentation of complex processes, specifically consciousness processes: ideating, problem-solving, reflecting, etc.
And (kudos, me, I’m doing a good job amping myself up that my writing this dumb post is not headed straight for the landfill that is what’s most of the internet – that there really is meaningfulness here… kudos, me, I’m starting to for real convince myself that this is the right thing to do!! wheee) this is in the spirit of my fundamental beliefs on
TIME OUT holy shit
wowowow
I originally typed, “fundamental values,” and omfg: how have I not noticed this whole time that we use the word “value” to mean, like, what makes our spirit our spirit. Our humanity. Our character.
I been deliberately deliberately!! avoiding using the word “worth,” “value” in any context that is not hyperliterally numbers, dollars.
Specifically because of this exact thing! this is so circular right now it’s unbelievable
like, the fact that I just realized the word “value” is the word we use to describe the makeup of our personal integrity makes this whole spiral –and the effort to document it and the reluctant documentation of how I don’t even want to talk about it in the first place because it’s insufferable– “worth” a meaningful exercise, like exponentially so just given how passionate I am about words and about how they’ve shaped the social conscience to disproportionately “value” rely on quantitative data, to disregard trends, pattern recognition, deductive reasoning, etc.
I love this for me because it also substantiates (haha confirmation basis wheee) my fundamental belief that we should trust ourselves – I felt in my soul I had to indulge in dumb thoughts
I didn’t even get to the actual subject of the dumb thoughts, by the way, this is amazing; I’m so glad I trusted myself – look how quickly it “paid off” led to deeper insight on things that actually really do matter to me
My dumb thoughts, which are subsided (for now…) as I’m too excited about this breakthrough were about my 2026 planner: lamenting the system that worked for me when my life was the life that I’d spent my life planning for,
how for the last few years I couldn’t make anything work…, and why I’m optimistic for the first time since the pandemic that I’ve found a way to implement greater structure again in my day-to-day
Because I’m using for the first time in my life a hardcover planner… something that feels (literally, the tactility) like any one of my sketchbooks – something that I put a lot of care into
it doesn’t feel disposable
showing what I’ve not seen before
it feels like I’ve found a way to reimagining a radically rehauled approach to daily life
that’s a romantic way I could end this, but I just want to say my word choice is deliberate: I found a way to merely get to the way to, you know, putting a lot of care into my life
now I need to marry the vision to a concrete framework, concrete guidelines, that I need to create, and that’s fine, but it’s already the afternoon of January 1, 2026 and I still haven’t decided, like, “omg should I write my friends’ kids’ birthdays under “important dates” in my new planner?! or use the “year on two pages” spread for that type of stuff… or keep it all just on the monthly pages or or or”
insufferable, I told you
please let me know if you have any questions or anything on anything otherwise, more to come yours, jansen